Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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