I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
