I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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