She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
