i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
