Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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