Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
