I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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