I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
