why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
