i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize