I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Randomize
