I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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