Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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