you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
