The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
