I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
