New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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