He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
