i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
