I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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