sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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