Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
