chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
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