I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize