She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
