I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's no shave November. This is our time.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
