He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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