My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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