I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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