just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
