Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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