I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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