i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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