They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize