There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
