last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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