if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
