What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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