She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
