I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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