i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
