Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
