i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
