If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the condom got lost in my hair
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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