I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
