It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
