he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
