Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
