no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Too much gin, very little bucket
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize