I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Randomize
