I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize