thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
