She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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