i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
