so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
