i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
