at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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