the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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